When I was in my master’s program, I specialized in postmodern therapies. One of my favorite therapies under that umbrella was Narrative therapy, which has core concepts that are right in line with how I see life.
Primarily (and I’m summarizing), Narrative therapy suggests that the client is the expert of their own life. They are the authors of their own stories, and that their reality is socially constructed. That last part—that reality is socially constructed—means that it’s our interactions and dialogue with others that has the biggest impact on the way we experience reality.
While I ascribe to this framework with clients, it still has a lot of room left for how I will work with my clients. One technique I often use is working with clients to externalize their problem, and helping them separate his or herself from the problem.
The idea here is that externalizing a problem separates the problem from the self, and makes it much easier to change any surrounding behavior. In my view, it’s easier to change a behavioral pattern than it is to change something as gargantuan as a part of your identity or personality.
The other day, I was watching a David Hawkins YouTube video on the ego, and he said that if you can name the ego, you can claim it—rather than having the ego claim you. The construct of the ego comes up often in my therapy practice. I talk a lot about the ego and how it does things to survive, prevent us from getting hurt, and having us remain important.
When I was reflecting on claiming my ego (rather than vice-versa), I realized that most of the time, it is my ego that is bruised when I am angry, afraid, worried, hurt, or anxious—not the core of who I AM. So I wondered: How can I externalize this? How can I name this “problem” of misdirected egoic energy?
That’s when I decided to name my ego.
I’d like to introduce you to Bertha. Please forgive me if you have a great aunt named Bertha. When I was trying to come up for a name for my ego, this name came straight to my awareness, and I haven’t been able to shake it.
When I think about my ego, she is always afraid of not having or getting enough; she’s afraid of missing out on all the fun; she is loud, rude, obnoxious, dominating, and kind of a bully who also works in the elementary school cafeteria.
My ego, Bertha, is the lady with crumbs all over her shirt but claims she is a perfectionist. She always needs to be right and seen, heard and validated. She just takes up all the air in a room. She is:
Bratty
Envious
Rough
Threatening
Hateful
Angry
When I call Bertha by her name, she gets a little softer around the edges, and I can see her purpose in my life. She is trying to keep me in the same safe cycle of my life.
When I step outside of Bertha, I can see clearly from a higher perspective that Bertha is afraid, and I need to embrace all of her just as she is.
We all deserve love and compassion. Don’t wait for it to come from a spouse or parent, give it to yourself.
Have you ever named your ego? If so, drop a comment here or email me at Jacquelinecaputomft@gmail.com and let me know. I’d love to hear your experience!
About the Author
Jackie Caputo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who provides therapy in Woodland Hills, CA. She also provides online therapy in California to individuals throughout the state.